Sometimes it happens…. My head feels full of thoughts…like mists swirling restlessly trying to find a contour..a shape, a form of some kind. These thoughts well they just are NOT thoughts of the day’s activities, or of the people that I know, or of things I enjoy…they are thoughts of ‘why’s?’ and ‘how’s’… sometimes it feels like this whole place is strange…the world around me, the people that walk to and fro..Seemingly without purpose. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to visit the bathroom and wash my face.
When I look into the mirror, I cant seem to identify whom I’m looking at. The eyes I recognize, staring back at me...wide and confused…sometimes smiling, almost impishly as though sensing the confusion of the mind…it seems sometimes that those eyes are the only thing true of me…me body becoming the well designed prison for those brown eyes beholding the spirit….my emotions flashing in them like a turquoise shell reflecting sometimes the blue of the sky, the murky darkness of the ocean depths some other times and then seeming to be a field green that stands between the two… and then I realize that when my own reflection seems a mere stranger…how am I to understand the WORLD?? And then some tell me ‘I love you and understand you perfectly.
I know you like I do the back of my hand’…..do you know the back of your hand?? In reality..?? do you know how many lines run across… do you know how many creases distort the back of your hand… you don’t know me either….i don’t know me how would you… It is indeed too much to expect of myself let alone of any other mere human…then if I don’t understand and you don’t then who does?? What makes me think the way I do…feel the way I do… love and hate and forgive and fondle…..what makes me make the decisions that I make…what is this thing I call ‘will’… I need answers because the explanations that science gives me are not enough and I cannot conjure up explanations to satisfy myself… sure then you’d say ‘you want to know what is the ultimate explanation…then here you go…heard of GOD kiddo???’ well here’s the thing how does god work??? Does he rule over every emotion of mine? Every rush I have…every time a song I like makes me breathless…and my feet start moving to their will….every time I get mad at something the way my blood boils….the way I shake with the wrath that plagues every cell in my body…I mean there is something that is bigger than science there…..what is that something??? What makes all these feelings so strong they break me shake me and force me to sit up and take notice??? If this is all science how would you describe the feeling of being held close by someone whom you love beyond all else…what makes you jealous when the object of your affections is busy elsewhere?? I cant feel no science in all that….
In every action of mine there is an absence of logic. In each one of us…let me take the example of math to explain what I’m tryin to say.. for a logical problem and Boolean algebra…there is but one logical answer just one…one that is perfect in all aspects… in us humans too… if there were to be perfection in the true meaning of the word.. there would be just one mould to make us…we’d be clones of each other rather than individuals… that’s the point, that it is but our imperfections that make us unique….the crook of the nose being too high too low, the eyes being set far apart or perhaps too close together… its separates us from each other… If I’m this, in this moment that’s perfectly the way its supposed to be and thus in this imperfection I am the most perfect being that has ever been…. And so when someone tells me that I’m good, bad, beautiful, ugly, cruel or kind… it is not any of those for in truth I am just me… no judgments to be passed… the rest is just the perception….
And thus it comes to the fact that there is no good or bad…. Because to each his own… and my good is ur bad n vice versa… so its just what our minds create that make our minds… we paint our own pictures for ourselves and thus our own worlds and in this world we create our own chaos…. we make our own complexities and then challenge ourselves for a solution and with each successive victory our strengths increase and we grow… this in agreement with the most basic laws of evolution…. With each hurdle we pass, we grow stronger….whatever this journey may be….whatever its purpose. we are here and we shall be till we figure out what to do with this gift..or curse….its perspective isn’t it??