I drove by your house today,
I don't know why I did that,
I'm a sane woman, no really I am,
Yes I am, and yes, I did that

Nervousness electrifying, hair stood on end,
I remember another kind of electricity, a carnal flushed red,

Don't know what I hoped would happen,
Don't know if I wanted to catch sight of you,
Don't know if I wanted to be caught out instead,

Some excuse perhaps, to defend,
What you mean to me, what you meant,
What you will mean, when it's the end,
To scream and shout and un-relent,
To have a name for what we are,
To declare war, to uncleave the scars,
Or perhaps just to catch a glimpse,
Of pictures in the flesh, of the life behind the lens,

As is was, it was all for nothing,
No catching or getting caught,
No glimpsing, no screaming bouts,
A circuitous route to come up bare,
No one knew, not one cared,

I won't drive by your house again

Oxymoron

Loving you to soaking wet pillows and wanting nothing to do with you by the light of day.

May be you'll never know,
Why I need that something more.

No. Love is not enough.

Saying you love me behind closed doors.
Is not enough.
Saying you're here when I'm always alone.
Is not enough.
Telling me you care and making me wait.
Is not enough.
Asking me to fight and forsake and forbear.
Whist you hide and hold on and huddle up.
Is not enough.

I have outlived your closed doors.
I have outgrown your bedroom walls.
I have outcried your flailing claims.

I have a name that exists beyond your whispers,
I have a strength that needs to be met with strength,
I am not the choice you should shudder to a make.

Not now. Not after so long. Not this way.

No.

More.

Mmmmmmm

Open-wide

Legs
Mouth
Fingers
Eyes

Sigh...
Can't remember why
I ever needed a guy

Gaslight-lit

I am outside the door again, knocking... begging to be let in,
Belatedly I bite my tongue, 'Why did I have to say that?'
Detachment is a thing of rigrourous practise,
I held the magnifying lens of my love to that one soul,
That which is brittle and dry and combustible, this was all meant to burn,

Once upon a life my drawbridges were drawn, my moat was a cauldron bubbling machine steam,
Point is there was a line, point is I knew how to protect myself,
Point is I was not vulnerable, point is I was the queen of my shoddy castle of lichen,

Why did you coerce me to unfurl, why did you dig pitchforks and spades where you had no business?
Why did you make me believe that anything meant squat? You didn't need to, I had given you everything,
Maybe it's like a slasher movie, one that's embarrassingly bad - but you have to know how it ends, right?

Now you have mowed down all my walls, and I'm crying but you won't take my call,
'Episodes' you say after you've sunk your dagger to the hilt within my flesh,
Twist it again and tell me you love me, once again and tell me you'd do anything,
Tell me that I am crazy, tell me I am insane, tell me that it is grotesque,

I didn't think that you were the hurtful kind, so tell me what is my crime,
I am doing time, standing outside the door again...begging to be let in 

I need to get on a mission to reinvent myself

Honesty - a bunch of dusty curios on a shelf

This heart of mine is a dreamer, a sentimental fool

That's a messy combination - as is now plenty clear to you

I'd thought that you had seen it, chosen me all the same

But that heart got it all twisted, and now I've come off as lame

I am here - always grateful and always sorry

There's not much else left to say

That I love you more than ever

Won't make the lameness go away

I'd cut off that thick, pulsating vein 

if  only I didn't have dues to pay
For me it's far from over, I will love you

Day after day after day after day

I need pain to rescue me, a rip elbow to wrist,
Freely flowing hot red stickiness clotting quickly,
Might abate the crimson inside my skull blazing incandescent,
This searing, incessant screaming shattering eardrums,
dragging nails across  skin, shaking fingers digging deep into flesh,
The creaking ribs against the bludgeoning heart, rancid spirals of
cuss that is a body language, lips split and spew visceral sludge,
stewing inside acidic gut, the arms that hold in in tight to keep
the bones from coming unhinged...
give me some pain that isn't you
ive died a million times more painful deaths
some mercy I surely could use 

Point blank

The deep end of loss, a question left to eternity,
The mourning of whats and whens and wheres,
The seemingly defeated heart does not stop beating,
A flurry of thoughts, all tangled and fragmented shards,
A tale not worth telling, no epic, no bard-worthy histrionics,
But a grain of suffering on an ocean bed of carcass,
Just what cuts, it is hard to say, it is everywhere; it is everything,
The floor is kind, or at least cold and strong and holds on,
While the world dazzlingly spins on, and on, and on,
And these words are not owned, they drip off like slime,
There's no one and nothing and no sense of time,
Some hurts are days, some blades are faces, some daggers are moments,
There're are promises, and failures, and memories and costly mistakes,
There's no way out, there's no way out, there's no way out,

till the end

Day -1

The end of ‘US’ ought to be observed as a death,

A wake, a funeral, a time to weep, be dressed for mourning,

There should be time to think about the loss of love,

There should be words said about the heaven once had,

There should be songs sung to pay homage to the beauty past,

The end of ‘Us’ sure feels like a death

I’m staring at the corpse; the rotting, bloated remains,

The mangled words are all that remain, and this incredible loss,

Staring up at the sky; it is mute now, gone - leaving just a void,

Rubbing a corpse’s cold, rigid, fingers won’t bring it back to life,

The end of ‘US’ is a death of me and a death of you,

All the parts of us that’ll never again shine through,

Already now, the disease and suffering forgotten,

Remembrance aided by sandalwood scents from places of worship,

Battered blue cloth, preserved stains on pillows, handwriting between book pages,

Apparitions of ‘us’ is all that’s left,
How we were, enmeshed into one – one life

Caramel Carnage

Bang! Crash! Screech! Smash!
This bloody dance; this barbarous clash,
I dress up in spikes and thorns and
You caress me with your horns,
A heart for a heart; an eye for an eye,
We may not stop till we're both destroyed,
I burn you to a crisp, you freeze me completely,
Annihilate, poison, mangle, obliterate, fully,
I gouge out your eyes, you scalp me nice,
Yet, all the pain in the world cannot suffice,

to break the grasp that we once forged,
the parts of each other we oft explored,
the sacred embraces, the entwined hopes,
the gilded memories, the hapless plans,
we have loved so much, haven't we?

The tears that escape us now are for the other,
We have to stop, this day, not another,
I cannot leave and neither can you...
But neither of us knows what to do...

This bloody dance; this barbarous clash,
We must stop; lest we go on,
Till death...

Flashbacks in the dark

Nights are foes to the wounds from loss, 

Whose instruments of pain are sleep and dreams, 

Whose dreams remember the pain she was in, 

Whose sleep forgets the fact that she's gone 

Different as night and day,
Neither one can negotiate,
This icy stretch that inundates,
The signs of life, the blossoming of love,
In haste, we sharpen our blades,
And in circles, slip, slide, and skate,
Get to each other, if only to get to each other,
Not one bit closer; the ice is thin, the winds close in,
Craaackkk! Into the biting water...

Tick-tock

I am thinking of a time, when the only question I had was how your newly grown stubble would feel against my palm,
Not knowing you even a little, I never doubted that Id not get what I asked of you,
I never doubted that you'd never hurt me,

Eons later,  the stubble's gone, you shimmer and radiate and outshine every version of yourself,
And I've touched you every where,
And had you every way,
No longer sure, if I can have what I want,
Or if you will never hurt me again

There's many a slip,

Between the lip,

And all the words that don't get said 

It's two different worlds you know

One where you hide behind the door
Waiting to spook me and I spot you and it's lovely and funny and sexy
So you scoop me and your arms are clouds and I'm gliding and the world is beneath us and beyond us and it feels...  Feels like home

Two when you're there and I'm here and everything is measured and distilled and dialled back and toned down and distorted and inconvenient and there's voices and noises and I don't fit in the picture you're in...  Feels like a tomb

Uncurl. Unfurl. Unwind.
Let go.

You used to know how to breathe,
Didn't you?

Why are you here again?
You chose your path, Made you bed
This isn't a trial, no one else need step into the box

You used to smile so easily
Remember that?

Why do you lips purse? Your thin mouth is flat-lining
There is that simple equation, the one to lift up those drooping corners
You lost that scrap of paper somewhere didn't you?

You had it figured out. You had it down to an art
I know you did.

Why are you unfriending the mirrors now? What truth are you afraid to see in them?
Why are your fingers so stiff? Has the rigor mortis set in?
Another dream too tight to let your blood circulate

You'd learnt to tread light, move fast, never stay still too long
And now, here you are lying flat on the ground
Insanity is making the same mistakes and hoping to not be broken