tell me who you are,
all that has made you,
you know me now,
evry thought and dream,
so tell me god, where are you?

are you there, there in the sun?
when as it rises ans i cant see,
past the blaze, eyes burnin with tears
in this gold fringe, are you there?

or is that you, in that child?
he dimples at me, eyes twinkle,
holding out his little round hand,
in this perfection,are you there?

could it be you in the spring?
you move in the breeze all around me,
blanketed in colours that now spread,
in this fragrence, are you there?

might it be you in the moonshine?
letting me see only what i should,
the silent beauty of the velvety night,
in this peace, are you there?

and now i see you, all at once,
in the mirror on the broken wall,
in eyes that i see on my face,
the love, the joy, the hurt, the fear,
and yes in this faith, i see you, i feel you...
i know you are there.....

sitting across from you, far away..

the room, the world of distance,

looking at you, look at me,

your eyes glowing dark,

shining under the night lights,

your jaw drawn, mouth shut tight,

and how i wish to tell you..

on my skin i can stll feel you

in every breath, i cam still smell you,

in my mind there is but one thought,

in my heart there is just this one wish,

if i could just close my eyes..

how i wish i could tell you...

morning will come, come soon,

and when the first ray warms the sand,

with its gentle golden caresses,

i will be gone, to where i belong,

carried away by the yellow mist,

and how i wish to tell you...

you stand up and walk to me,

my heart stops, quickens, slows,

you lean close, bury your face in my hair,

i live in that embrace, lost for life,

tis done, your fleeting apology,

my hearts tears apart inside of me,

and how i wish to tell you...

every moment of pain of joy,

of relentless agonizing hatred and ecstacy,

ive lived this life for too long,

cant bear to look back at you now,

ive played these games lost and won,

and how i wish to tell you.....

im done

wil i ever forgive me, for looking in your eyes telling lies?
will i ever forgive myself for leaving the next morning?
will i ever forgive , myself for never saying a word?
will i ever forgive myslf for not telling you i love you...

will i ever know the reason why,it hurt so much to kiss you?
will i ever know the reason why, it burns me just to touch you?
will i ever know the reason why i ran away that adrk nighy?
will i ever know the reason why,i never can go back there...

will it ever happen now, the healing of these deep wounds?
will it ever happen now, that i will understand our dark sins?
will it ever happen now, that you will look back at me?
will it ever happen now, all the things of you im wantin...????

into the ocean i walked,
the sun sets & the light fades,
im bathed in the red gold satin,
in me were u born god,
or was i born in you?
this love that surrounds u and me,
does it end and does it begin?
we live in each other, blessed for eternity...

got a tattoo done....its simply amazin will post a snap soon.... if ur intrseted in gettin one done...ths is the best place....
http://tattooschennai.com/tattooschennai/index.html

Of days and years, of dreams untold,
Of hearts that broke theirs and my own,
Of wars that were waged, vengeance sought,
Nothing gained from both,
Of bonds that formed and those that broke,
Of paths trodden and regret that followed,
Of hatred born and laid to rest,
Of tears shed and all those dried,
Of apologies and thanks some left unsaid,
Of forbidden fruit and those labour borne,
Of wonders these eyes behold,
Of numerous sunrises and sunsets,
Of falling over and rising from there,
Of laughter and light, sadness and fright,
Of songs known by heart forgotten with time,
Of gained knowledge sublime,
Of victories with losses and defeats with gain,
Of fear that gripped and caused much pain,
Of daring of spirit that did much the same,
Of illusions of a haven somewhere,
Caressed with tenderness everyday,
Of perforce that changed the best laid plans,
Of rhymes of the chaos in my heart,
Of these is the symphony being written still,
Then the next journey begins and when it will,
It will be given my heart and soul,
Until the journey ends…. story whole..

forbidden fruit

your skins bathed in the moons light
dark velvet it seems, personifyin my sins,
you hold your mouth open,
and my thoughts are trickling away,
fast as water through my fingers,
you smile and its a rush,
you lick your lips and mine bleed dry
why oh why have you got me so high,
i forget the world and who i am,
why oh why?

this isnt love, will never be,
but this thirst for you has got me beggin,
for one kiss just one touch,
its killin you and its killin me,
i see your fire it only kindles mine,
why oh why have you got me so high?
the only way down will ruin me heart n soul,
why oh why?

from where i stand just inches away,
i smell your scent, can do that from miles away,
i clasp my hands for fear that,
they might slip and give our sins away,
and what is hell, i should fear,
after this feeling of tearin away,
why oh why have you got me so high,
to breathe i need your breath in me,
why oh why?

our fingers touch, in the briefest of ways,
i feel the passion emanate,
the strangers look and fail to see,
all of whats consumin you and me,
and then theyre gone, the urgency in me,
when you come close and kiss me,
your lips, my lips, its all the same,
now we forget the world around,
why oh why am i so fuckin high,
on this mortal suicide??
why oh why?

the nights are dark, so very dark,
its givin me company,
its hidin all my tears from you,
its breeze is liftin me,
but if the light comes shinin through,
would you look at me, see my eyes,
they mist now, the life's ebbin out,
if i tell you that i hurt, would you lend a ear
if my heart was bleedin dry would you mend the tear?

im a loner been that way,
its not your fault i kno,
and when iv fought the world,
thers not much else to do,
but if my arms start to fail,
would you lend a hand?
and when my knees go weak tonight,
dont leave me in the sand

tonight im lost, tonight alone,
tonight im raw with pain,
tonight i need you here with me,
a shelter in the rain...

HIS little angel

With god there was his land,
in his land he had his angels,
of these angels there was child,
beautiful as a poets dream,
fair as gods pearly clouds,
pure as only a child can be,
delighted was heaven with her,
and gods favourite child became she,
she pittered and pattered and danced,
she ran all about her and merrily she pranced,
but one day came, she wandered, far, alone,
she decided to chance a look at earth down below,
but looking down did the little angel see,
nothing but hate, pain and misery,
of god she was and to god she went,
Father she asked..’why are the men in such pain?’
God looked upon his fairest child,
And said, ‘its what they themselves to bind’,
‘that cant be so’, said the blue eyed girl,
your touch I’m sure will make them whole again,
HE lifted the innocent to his knees,
said ‘I gave man happiness, love for keeps,
he forgot how to use them and created his own,
world of destruction and has greed’s seeds sown’
‘but someone must save them!’ the little girl cried,
God put her in bed and said ‘child how I TRIED!!’
The little girl slept not at all, and when at days call,
She was sent for by God, she was not to be found,
For the fair child of God,
came down upon His lands,
to try and change this fate of man’s,
the men, they saw her, the image of God,
they looked upon her with fear and with awe,
she smiled upon them. And reached out to them,
she touched them, cleared their minds of all doubt,
she fed the hungry, healed those in pain,
and spread god light about her,
then chased the dark away,
they worshipped her and praised her,
and they called her word God,
and for some time,
yes for that some time, there was atmost peace,
but in due course, the dark clouds returned,
the greed that consumed the world of men,
came back to work with vengeance,
the men started to argue,
to own her did they want,
the desire for power taking control,
they created a council, to decide upon,
whose the angel was to be so forth,
words got harsher and harsher with time,
and soon a war among them was declared,
the angel now horrified rose to speak,
and among the angry men, to make peace,
they looked now upon her, once god they saw in her,
but that day she became the forbidden fruit,
they took her prisoner and bound her to a tree,
she she begged them and pleaded to be set free,
the war was roaring around her,
blood splattering around,
homes set on fire, within and without,
in this did gloom find her,
alone and tear stained ,
it claimed her and ate her,
she dint utter a sound,
the crops she had planted, the wealth she had spread,
all she had done, to dust all that went,
she thought of the words of her father the lord,
the truth now before her, naked to behold,
and then the war was over, the cruel had won,
they came back to get her, to claim their prize,
hungry and wounded, they called out in a trice,
they asked her to reach out hand touch them,
to heal them and feed them,
but though the fingers reached out,
nothing came out from within,
for they felt not, like she did,
her life n soul ebbing,
they could not see her pain,
so lost we they in theirs,
they flew into a terrible rage,
and dragged her by her hair,
they clawed at her fair skin,
and tore at her gold robes,
in hopes they could somehow,
make riches of those,
then, when all was gone,
but the look in her eyes,
they bit at her lips and bled her dry,
and in her last moments,
her tears mixed her blood,
she cried for her Father in heaven above,
she cried for the mankind with no hope,
she cried for the heaven that all of them lost,
and as the last breath, left her tiny lungs,
the Father watching above her, let lose a flood,
days he cried..oh countless days,
and when the tears were over,
he asked, ‘what went wrong?’
he found the answer, soon as one can,
it was in his idle moments,
he created a monster called man..

welll......pink n hvain a blast....!!!! alok n annu!!!! wheeee

my father....
He sits by the window. Unseeing eyes fixed at the distant orange horizon, at a sun that sets, bidding its farewell to the land, majestically making his exit. Had his eyes been able to watch the beautiful sight, he might have felt a kinship of sorts to the sun. He does not see though. He doesn’t even know that it’s evening already. I look at him, sitting impassive in the enormous, plush, leather sofa. He looks so old and frail I think, lost amidst the chair’s vast cushions. His arms draped lifelessly over the arms of the giant throne. He looks like a child sitting in his father’s armchair. In his mind too he has become a child… incoherent thoughts and lovely unreal dreams… horrendous torturous nightmares, amidst which he cries for comfort. But he is not a child…. I am his. He has not realized how long I have been standing at the doorstep, watching him. I reluctantly give up my minds wanderings, to walk into his room, treading gently on the carpet floor, so as to not have his thoughts interrupted. He stirs, for all my caution, looking my way. How does he always know? They say, when your eyes give up at an early age, you’re other senses take over to bridge the gap. Considering how old he was when he lost the use of his eyes, I’d say that it was not the case with him. In his case, I think it is more the fact that when you love someone as much as he does me, you don’t need any bodily senses to feel the person. Yes, my father loves me. As soon as I think this I think of all the times the word ‘love’ is used by many an unworthy tongue, wagging sometimes in deceit, sometimes lost in confusion, fear or simply helplessness. And I reproach myself for not finding a better word, for my father’s sake. No, my father didn’t love me. When you give someone every thought of yours from dusk to dawn, when every breath labors for a smile to be preserved on someone’s lips, when you would gladly take the roof off every child in the world to shelter someone from a light drizzle, when you would like to admonish the sun for biting at the beloved’s skin….how can that just be love…four letters, a bitter injustice. My father has given me so much of himself I don’t think he could ever just be himself again…what with all his emotional faculties in my possession. His eyes stare blankly at me and for a minute, he looks right into my eyes. I try to make myself believe that he can see me. Then he throws his arm out towards me… (in my general direction so to speak). And once again I see him as a child throwing his hand out for his mother. I stretch forward and grasp the bony, long fingers, thrust my way. A trace of a smile dances on his dried lips. That’s the most his facial muscles can manage these days. He holds on to my hand and for all his frail appearance,I feel his strength streaming out of his palm, into my body. No papa, they couldn’t beat you down…and something else rushes into my body…pride. I sit down beside him. At his feet. I take his hand to my lips and kiss them gently for fear that I might wither them. He places his free hand, with much effort, on my head and then, he sighs. The sigh of a man who after long, treacherous journeys has found El Dorado. We sit that way father and daughter. Joint by the hands and by half a lifetime of memories together. I lay my head down on his knees…just like I did when I was a young girl and had every day his presence living in the home he had built now. Just like it is now, isn’t it papa? Now you live in a home I have built. Only roles have reversed haven’t they? ‘No’…… I answer the question myself. I can never give him what he gave me. He is my father…my parent…how can I even dream of being him? His fingers play with my hair. And lying there by his side his arms holding me, however frail the hold may be….I feet blessed. I close my eyes and allow my mind to travel…. That is when I awaken, to find the remnants of my dreams in my head, swirling about in a misty whirl. I lie in bed still, much awake, but lost in the thoughts that plague me. The thought that the arms that now hold me tight and rest my fears, will some day, be weak and limp, fill me with a sadness unlike any other. It is but inevitable but that is a fact that I run away from. Memories flood my mind. I lose myself in thoughts of the man I love most…………I hear laughter and see us playing ‘house’. My little sister, barely old enough to walk, sits at the porch watching us… enchanted. We laugh….papa has to really squeeze to fit in the play house. Gigantic as the house is for us, man as big as papa, would surely have to curl into a ball to fit, and it sure was fun to watch him try. Papa always seemed such a big man…he was always tall but had a small slender frame of a dancer or an ice skater, which he probably could have been, had he known the first thing about grace. But my father WAS big. He was big in the heart. No one ever heard him say a cruel word to any man, woman or child. When a scolding was well deserved and necessary, it would be administered with much regret. He was a big man, because of the way he loved any living thing that came his way…..and loved with such abandon, that you’d swear that his life had held no disappointments. That, was far from the truth…about as far, as the new galaxy they have just discovered (that I never remember the name of). That is what made my father big. He had been cheated, but he would not give up on trusting, he had been hurt, but would not give up on caring, he had been disappointed, but would not give up on hoping, he had been miserable, but would not give up on happiness, he had lived a thousand deaths, and still would not give up his zest for life. He was full of vitality and some well chosen wisecracks, in his sickest of days. At times I would think, that perhaps it was a daughter’s adoration for her father that made me feel this way. Now much later, illusions have lost their charm, and dreams have either been realised or withered to nothings….even now I see him the same. The most beautiful man, I have had the honor of knowing. That I am the offspring of such a man is only a gift that I have been granted, perhaps for some greatly selfless deed performed in a previous lifetime (for, I certainly have not done any in this one).I think of bedtime as a child. My tired father, would lie beside me, waiting for slumber to claim my thoughts and attention (and that would take very long indeed). Just to know he is near, I’d hold on to a lock of his hair and twist it round and round my fingers and close my eyes. I’d ask silly questions and he would answer, no matter how exhausted he was. His voice would fill my ears those quiet nights. I’ve often associated that voice with god…perhaps for the comfort I found in it. One night I asked him, ‘if I want something will I have it?’. He said ‘if u ask for the moon, I will look up at it and know that it is impossible to get it….but I still would go there and give it my best shot’. I smiled and fell off to sleep, in less than a minute. It was not a dialogue meant to be presented dramatically, with a charming flourish. It was a commitment. Till date, there is not a doubt in my mind, that had I, in reality made a wish of that magnitude, he would have turned the world upside down to grant it. Every whim and fancy was entertained, when it was mine. Yes, indeed I was a spoilt favorite.I was faultless and perfect, dare anyone suggest otherwise. He saw no evil in me and for him, I wanted to be perfect (that I could never be is quite a different thing). In retrospect, I doubt if he ever really knew me. He did not care to discover either, he loved me with all he had and there was nothing more to it, than that. Perhaps the only suffering his love caused was born of the fact, that he would not stand my love being bestowed upon anyone else, but him. There were many, who bore the brunt as with my grandma, who in trying to spend the last days of her life with her first grandchild, got told off for not unedrstanding that a child’s place is with it’s parents. In due course of time, as my acquaintances grew in number, so did his impatience with them. To be honest, I loved every minute of it.In later teenage years, he like every other parent, had to deal with the inevitable accessories of adolescence. I’d say, he did a marvelous job at it. There were rifts and disagreements. I’d be out late and he would call and holler on the telephone. Then, I would be home and a second after my face appeared at the door, all anger would be forgotten and joy would light up his face and heart. His precious baggage was home, and all was well with the world. I never did understand how he managed to be like this… I never will figure it out….as I see it, I don’t have to. I just need to cherish him each moment that he is by my side. I will love him forever…and my children will hear stories of him…ever so slightly exaggerated. Perhaps they will tell their children about their great-grandfather….perhaps. But after that….somewhere along the road, the memories will be washed away by the waves of time. And then the greatness of this one man, will truly be lost… tragic as it may be, it is how life is and shall always be. I won’t be alive then, I would not wish to be. As long as I live, I shall carry this man in my heart, for he got there before anyone else. I will watch him and cherish the peace, that the looking bestows upon me. Inevitably, one day he will leave me and move to the heavenly abode (I have no doubt that he will go there)…. I will not hold him back, for then he shall truly be free and as long as I live, I will celebrate his existence through every breath I take, until I too, like all else, will return to dust…

Sometimes it happens…. My head feels full of thoughts…like mists swirling restlessly trying to find a contour..a shape, a form of some kind. These thoughts well they just are NOT thoughts of the day’s activities, or of the people that I know, or of things I enjoy…they are thoughts of ‘why’s?’ and ‘how’s’… sometimes it feels like this whole place is strange…the world around me, the people that walk to and fro..Seemingly without purpose. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to visit the bathroom and wash my face.
When I look into the mirror, I cant seem to identify whom I’m looking at. The eyes I recognize, staring back at me...wide and confused…sometimes smiling, almost impishly as though sensing the confusion of the mind…it seems sometimes that those eyes are the only thing true of me…me body becoming the well designed prison for those brown eyes beholding the spirit….my emotions flashing in them like a turquoise shell reflecting sometimes the blue of the sky, the murky darkness of the ocean depths some other times and then seeming to be a field green that stands between the two… and then I realize that when my own reflection seems a mere stranger…how am I to understand the WORLD?? And then some tell me ‘I love you and understand you perfectly.
I know you like I do the back of my hand’…..do you know the back of your hand?? In reality..?? do you know how many lines run across… do you know how many creases distort the back of your hand… you don’t know me either….i don’t know me how would you… It is indeed too much to expect of myself let alone of any other mere human…then if I don’t understand and you don’t then who does?? What makes me think the way I do…feel the way I do… love and hate and forgive and fondle…..what makes me make the decisions that I make…what is this thing I call ‘will’… I need answers because the explanations that science gives me are not enough and I cannot conjure up explanations to satisfy myself… sure then you’d say ‘you want to know what is the ultimate explanation…then here you go…heard of GOD kiddo???’ well here’s the thing how does god work??? Does he rule over every emotion of mine? Every rush I have…every time a song I like makes me breathless…and my feet start moving to their will….every time I get mad at something the way my blood boils….the way I shake with the wrath that plagues every cell in my body…I mean there is something that is bigger than science there…..what is that something??? What makes all these feelings so strong they break me shake me and force me to sit up and take notice??? If this is all science how would you describe the feeling of being held close by someone whom you love beyond all else…what makes you jealous when the object of your affections is busy elsewhere?? I cant feel no science in all that….
In every action of mine there is an absence of logic. In each one of us…let me take the example of math to explain what I’m tryin to say.. for a logical problem and Boolean algebra…there is but one logical answer just one…one that is perfect in all aspects… in us humans too… if there were to be perfection in the true meaning of the word.. there would be just one mould to make us…we’d be clones of each other rather than individuals… that’s the point, that it is but our imperfections that make us unique….the crook of the nose being too high too low, the eyes being set far apart or perhaps too close together… its separates us from each other… If I’m this, in this moment that’s perfectly the way its supposed to be and thus in this imperfection I am the most perfect being that has ever been…. And so when someone tells me that I’m good, bad, beautiful, ugly, cruel or kind… it is not any of those for in truth I am just me… no judgments to be passed… the rest is just the perception….
And thus it comes to the fact that there is no good or bad…. Because to each his own… and my good is ur bad n vice versa… so its just what our minds create that make our minds… we paint our own pictures for ourselves and thus our own worlds and in this world we create our own chaos…. we make our own complexities and then challenge ourselves for a solution and with each successive victory our strengths increase and we grow… this in agreement with the most basic laws of evolution…. With each hurdle we pass, we grow stronger….whatever this journey may be….whatever its purpose. we are here and we shall be till we figure out what to do with this gift..or curse….its perspective isn’t it??

When I walk away,
don’t stop me…
Don’t ask me why…………….

I know what you are thinking,
I know you doubt my love
But don’t…it sure as hell is pure as gold
And there ‘re reasons you wouldn’t know of

I know im not with you,
by your side,I know you think of how my legs
don’t move fast enough to meet you
but I have chosen to keep that pace

I know that I have kept stony silent
I know you think ive ugly things to say
And forcing me to say words
Will only seal my lips further shut

I know that when you cry to me,
I don’t shower you with sympathies
For if I were to pity you, feel sorry
it would be far from love that id be feeling…

I know that when I walk away,…..
yeaWhen I walk away…..
you wonder whyAnd try to stop me and hold me back
Don’t….let me go….watch me walk..
Into he dark horizon far away
And as I disappear into the unseen…
Lo behold!! The sun rises there…….

FARADH SHAHNAWAZ !!!!

my sister is TOTALLY into this guy like nobody's business....its gettin crazy...


















so im puttin this out ther...ayone who knows this guy get in touch with me asap...ill be ur worthy servant till whenever!!!!!!!!

thts my sister in the white top....with her creation, her friends with theirs....

this is a creation of my sis's made purely outta hangers n cellophane papers..... ooohhhhh...muuuuuaaaaaaahhh baby.....

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

there was a little girl once,
scared of them monsters she was,
night after night they'd awaken under her bed,
taunt and tease n wait for her,
to run to answer nature's call,
the fear was paralyzing it was,
and long she'd sit thinkin,
the two feet to the bathroom,
impossibly long in the dark,
shadows alive and dancing,

so thought the little girl,
when death is at the doorstep,
there might not be any fighting it,
might as well have an empty bladder at least,
and off the bed she hopped..........

there was a little girl once,
scared of them monsters was she,
and those crappy mosters...they cant touch her.....!!!

this was the first ever creation of my sister's..... the theme was rage......cool na??

with alok....

cest moi........

lonliness...

loneliness has sung to me so many times
but time has gone by and by
its getting harder, tougher, colder
to stand and listen to its rhymes

loneliness has claimed me so much now
i'm so lost, confused, and afraid
a little child, i am i in this mist
just cant see where i can go

loneliness has so much been at me
warding away all warmth and love
all light and joy and hopes and dreams
except the bad ones, they're still here

loneliness here is all i have
me, myslef and my soul
without this loneliness i no longer feel
safe secure or even at peace
loneliness you loneliness
today its u..only uu are all i have today

do you remember??

when u luk deep into my eyes..
do you remember?
do you remember how i cried
all those unshed tears
how they betrayed the pain i felt
and how you knew and i knew
that there was sure to b more of it

when your gaze strays to my lips
do you remember?
do you remember how i smiled and laughed
when all inside was shattered to bits
how you kissed them, tenderly, soft and passionately
and how those lips you made tremble
with knowledge that it was'nt meant to be

when you hear my voice in your head
do you remember?
do you remember the many words i said
incoherently trying to say how i felt
how that voice you made a vessel
of anger, joy, agony, bliss
a thing only u could have done

when you see me walk to you
do you remember?
do you remember how i held my head high
and walked along a thousand times
when all those legs could really do
was crumble under the weight of shame
and alone i always walked that way

when you stop and take a look at me
do you remember?
do you remember under that cheery fascade
there lies a broken heart unmended
that in every breath that i take
i sing the song of my lost love and life
that there's only your memory hereunder
do you ever remember?

COOL??? ahem...

this word cool...what does it mean..?? sure...in terms of temperature it tends towards the cold..
.....but more comfortable than that...my generation though (including me) use this word extensively for many a purpose, (no offence fellow youngsters). but im confused..sumwher down the road i think we lost track so much so that i really cant think of any parameters to define this 'cool'.......
but anyway here r the top 8 thins that i think r definitely NOT cool......
1) hair coloured brown : indian ladies listen up...get real wat ur born with suits u best. brown hair makes u luk lik...4O!!!
2)boozing urslf sensless: i kno the bliss of complete imhoherence...its ok...but wat about wakin up with puke all over u, dressed in nuthin but ur bare essentials...(ur not even sure they are urs..), in a room tht is most definitely not urs...with a person who luks lik the godfather of all the hells angels...
3)doping: do i even need to xplain dis one?one way ticket to hell and the most painful ride there..
4)smokin: cough..cough..splutter..cough..splutter splutter.....ahem i was sayin....
5)guys and long hair: dudes...take my word fo it..unless ur a stereotype of brad pitt or creed or the lead singers of metallica or nickelback....or even john abraham(wat am i sayin even john!!)... long hair is not cool !!
6) 'fancy' pants: for people who r confused about this...jeans have been pulled up from work pants...high in comfort low on style..they epitomise casual....save us the emroidry, sequins, and all that dressy affair...wer not lukin fo denims to b evenin gowns...
7)wearing shades in dark places: now this is one thin that i just DO NOT UNDERSTAND....shades as the name suggests, r meant to shade ur eyes frm the glare of the sun..wearin them cool thins in clubs n discs n trippin all ova the pretty ladies feet only makes u luk blind people...
8)guys givin the finger in snaps: look wer all really glad that ur not impaired, that is to say that we dont need u to point out one finger..wat r u tryin to prove???? u achieve nothin much more than exhibitin the IQ of a centipede!!! congrats people ur no 8!!

god???? hmmm.....

there is this one question that strikes many of us at varied stages of our journies through this lifetime or any other...is there a god??
At many a time, my mind has been all but ready to accept the idea that god is a mere illusion. That we are all alone in this rat race to a place in space in time that few can see but all want to get to anyway. Many a times I have been tempted to allow myself to be swayed by the facts of science…. The big bang theory and there on the fusion of elements to create the first single celled entity capable of certain metabolic functions (magic!!..Eureka) that thereby underwent a zillion mutations to become larger, more complex entities….more accurately, functioning units. And so went the chain of chemical reactions leading to a biological morphism and produced after all the la-di-dah became us (humans that is!!)
So there was no god who created the world, all the beautiful, the ugly, the living, the undead, the seen, the unseen. He did not create Adam, and Eve was definitely an impossibility. There was no Eden garden and much less was there was a fruit of sin….
There was no Krishna and Rama, no Allah or Messiah.
We are all and will always be alone.Quite imaginably at these times, this above conclusion is a result of but one thing…. disillusionment. It’s the result of not getting something I want and could not have.
When I think about this objectively though, as I do now, I ask myself another question.
What is god??or rather who is god???
Is he some haloed, bright faced, dark eyed, powerful (as in more powerful than Keanu in matrix), with a heavenly glow who can make things happen before I can say G-O-D??!!
Is he the one that comes down to earth on certain days?? Is he the one that makes the poor rich, the one who delivers those in pain, the one who awakens the dead, the one who grants immortality??I think not, and this I believe.
But I do believe in a power that I name god for there is no other word I know that’d describe that kind of power.The power of will.A will to aspire, a will to scrounge to fulfill dreams, a will to live, a will to breathe, a will to say…..believe.
When people go to worship places, the temples, the churches, the mosques and celebrate in the light of blazing candles and lamps, what they call god with a trueness and oneness of mind, when they believe with all their might, I believe that something very powerful happens. They willingly make an effort to change in the direction they need to move in. if for nothing else, they do this for the salvation of their faith and that will that they call god make miracles happen. It makes the poor wealthy, it delivers those in pain, it saves the dying, it grants longitivity.And thus contra to the faith that god gave a kick start to evolution, its evolution that gave a kick start to god!! I am not an atheist I believe in a supreme power.
Within myself, within any being with a will. A human being, an animal, a plant, a bacteria an HIV even!!! This belief is our salvation. It is a rope to hold on to in the dark,. It is a ray of light. It helps when we are afraid to move an inch, to take a leap….the leap of faith(so truly named!)
........And so I say when I’m elated, ‘thank you god!!’; when I’m relieved, ‘thank god’; when I’m afraid, ‘god save me’; when I’m broken, ‘god…’; and when I’m in love and when it hurts to say so; when I’m in inconceivable pain…when there is no where I can go and darkness falls upon me, surrounds me, envelopes, swallows me and tries to claim me….GOD!! Look within me at the light that shines there, the passionate torch of my faith, I can see a way (all of a sudden!)

There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

family rocks!!

Man is and always will be a social animal…..no man is an island….(hardy-har-har.. no hot piece of news there) but why cant man just be social with all those he meets without tying himself down to all these people around him??? Animals don’t do that, why does man have to?? Animals take care of their young until they can fend for themselves and then they just mind their own business.I’m twenty and my folks still fuss over me like I might feel the need for them to change my diapers all of a sudden or something. Why all of the fussing??? Why have a family.. I myself invested a large amount of energy into this question…..and very unsuccessfully at that. But let me tell u whatever the reason, whatever the calling is…. I’m glad. I’m glad I’ve got people I belong with. I’m glad that when I come back home after a long day, I have people there whom I can count on. As someone famous said ‘my home is not a place but people….’.Every family goes their share of up’s and down’s. We’ve had our share of them too……kinda large share of the down’s but whatever.(enough already all you destiny makers). But at the end of the day, or month, or year or whatever time frame that’s under consideration, no matter how many friends I have or how many times I run to them for help, it is my family that is my ultimate sheath of support. Why?? I think it might have something to do with the fact that (as Shakespeare said) ‘all the worlds a stage and all men and women but actors and actresses’ (at least that’s how I remember it!) we all play our roles and most of the times we wear masks (and you thought I really was olive oyl!!). but with family, that mask wears off, the makeup melts and gets smeared, the costumes, they slip off. The truth is seen. They see what you are at your worst, at your best. What the ‘naked’ truth is. They accept that truth…sometimes for the sheer lack of choice. They become part and parcel of your lives and you of theirs. So no matter how you are or what you do or how you feel about the issues affecting the world, they would want you to stay in their lives. They know instinctively how you feel. They see it in your eyes, know it from the tone of your voice, they feel it in your smile and your hug…..they just know. I love all my friends and often say that they are my immortality. But I’m so very glad mankind chose the ‘family way’ of life!!
As Dorothy said….
'theres no place like home..theres no place like home.....’

viruses suck!!!


yea...im down with the virus.... ahem.. a bad cold...its been three days now...i feel like shit (pretty much literally...i.e...gooey and dirty)...here are the 10 things i think suck the most about having a cold..
1) u hav to breathe from your mouth which makes your throat feel MUCH worse.
2)just as you go to bed (exausted may i add), you realize that you cant breathe ANY way.
3) you can NEVER find a hanky, nor can you locate the vicks you thought u saw two days back.
4) all the concerned individuals in your life ask you to gargle before going to bed.... which you dont feel inclined to do.
5)you cannot say anthing that involves nasal sounds (e.g. this sentence would sound like- 'you canddot say adythig that idvolbes dasasl soudds').
6)you lose at least five hankies in a week (after mum locates them).
7)when you really need to take a pee..your nose decides to get irritated n you start sneezing makin you NEARLY wet your pants.
8)all you can smell is the filth in your nose and people choose that very time to gift you roses!!
9)your nose gets all raw at the nostrils and starts burnin when you apply a balm like vicks(also after mum finds it)10)you cant taste a shit n it happens to be the weekend family outing to the new out-of-this-world eatin joint!!!

bonus point for moi!!- iv got a pierced nose and hence cant blow stuff out without injuring myslf terribly!! so to all you cold infected people in this world.....i feel your pain...i know how it is when you cant stop sneezing and coughing and sniffing and people look at you like your the kid scratchin the blackboard to irritate everyone!! and to all those scientists....HIV can wait...take on the common cold for starters!!

why cant i love you less??


when the ship pulls in the shore,
and waitin arms all around are held forth,
i cant ignore the pain i feel ,
when mine are the only ones still empty
why then am i so sleepless?
why cant i just love you less?

when the night gathers around,
when the dinner is all but cold,
the moon i think mourns my pain
as i still wait out in the rain,
why do i so obsess?
why cant i just love you less?

when spring comes forth with glory,
flowers, dew, colours, sing for joy,
i wait till feet hurt,
from waitin for the long scented roads
to bring you home,
why do i feel lik this?
why cant i just love you less?

one last time...

Before the sultry sun goes down,
Let me take you in my arms.
Before the birds stop their chirping,
Before the storm's whistle sounds,
Let me take you in my arms.

Before the tiny lamp's light fades,
Let me kiss your tender lips,
Before the nightlife awakens,
Before the darkness invades,
Let me kiss your tender lips.

Before the deathly quiet wins over,
Let me look deep into you,
Before my people drift into slumber,
Before the light of the moonlight shower,
Let me look deep into you.

Before the sun has fled for cover,
Let me ask of you,
one last wish
Before the streets empty out,
Before sweet slumber takes my mind,
Let me once more be your lover.

the someone i am has just become,
i did not plan for it to be like this,
but it is like this and this is me
so y dont u just let me be?

the someone i am,
it just happened,
i grew to where i had space to breathe,
to find a clear cloudless sky,
to watch hiding, heartbreak passing by.

the someone i am,
well thats just so
it helps me block out the cruel sun,
if its shying away from a hit,
then i say so be it.

the someone i am,
it cant be helped
at least i'm not been shut out.
even without hope for miles,
at least i can still smile.

the someone i am,
its just what i am,
i saved my heart to love i may not live by the rule,
but that just makes me beautiful